2 By 2

I just came back from a trip to Philippines and was utterly impressed by this land of ‘encouraging people’. Why do I say that? No matter where you go (with the exception of taxi drivers), you will see people treating each other with respect and more often than not, looking each other in the eye before breaking into a gentle smile of acknowledgement.

Who says you need a high per capita income to be happy. Sometimes, having that doesn’t always make you happier.

As a result of that, I felt encouraged to shop and shop…what a clever way to boost the economy! Despite all the bag checks whenever you enter a complex, the stout build security guard never puts you off with the emotionless look and monotonously harsh tone that we are so used to. They would welcome you with ‘Good Mornings’ and a smile despite having to do that to thousands of people entering the complex daily. I was flabbergasted by their tenacity and high level of service excellence.

The times when I dined at a restarurant, the service staff always looks in your direction to see if you have any needs, looks you in the eye with a smile and speaks in a warm tone. Interactions with them were more than pleasant, I could feel their sincerity, regardless of how you dressed, they treat you no differently. There was obvious class differences in the country but it didn’t result in high-handed behaviour of the customers as there was absolutely no need to. There was a culture of politeness and genuine mutual respect. The reciprocal relationship was dynamic and warm, no false smile which fades off the moment you turn away. They take the time to build the relationship with their customers after their ‘how is the food?’ question.

Then I recalled the umpteen times I tried to get hold of a service staff here and their eyes were just fixated at a place where there happened to be no customers. To get them, I’d have to do the frantic wave and occasional loud ‘excuse mes’ but still I had to wait.

I had a personal breakthrough too. I smiled at a couple of strangers whom I met in the washroom, known as their ‘comfort room’, when our eyes met. I would never do that here, but there, somehow I was confident the smile would definitely be reciprocated. I felt a warm glow in my heart on those occasions.

Perhaps I belonged to the type who armours up because of past negative encounters with people. But in Philippines, there was no need for that. I love the place and its people. It’s time to pay it forward here

A stormed was brewing and it finally erupted.

My sister is leaving the family, the absence of an amicable goodbye left every in the house devastated. I could see emptiness in mum’s eyes these days.

To make up for it, I tried to spend more time with her. I could feel her reliance on me and that pushed me away. I feel guilty when I’m not with her but when I am, I feel frustration and annoyance at her seemingly growing dependence.

Perhaps I feel victimized in the situation.

Perhaps I am afraid to lose my freedom.

Perhaps I am fed up that I’m doing it out of need to be filial and not a want. Am I the only one feeling guilty? I detest the way I am.

Sign…months of happiness accumulated dashed by a moment.

A stormed was brewing and it finally erupted.

My sister is leaving the family, the absence of an amicable goodbye left every in the house devastated. I could see emptiness in mum’s eyes these days.

To make up for it, I tried to spend more time with her. I could feel her reliance on me and that pushed me away. I feel guilty when I’m not with her but when I am, I feel frustration and annoyance at her seemingly growing dependence.

Perhaps I feel victimized in the situation.

Perhaps I am afraid to lose my freedom.

Perhaps I am fed up that I’m doing it out of need to be filial and not a want.

Sign…months of happiness accumulated dashed by a moment.

A few days ago, Daren and I went to a friend’s place to pass him a camera lens. As usual, knowing that I haven’t been working, the couple asked me what I have been up to. I rattled a few stuff off the list vaguely, and strangely, being fully aware of the change in me. When I first started off the break, I would crack my brains to come up with a long list of things that I had been undertaking. But, after four months, I came to realise two things:

First, most people aren’t really bothered about what you are doing and whether you are spending your time fruitfully.
Second, the only person I have to answer to is MYSELF. Crudely put, I don’t need everyone’s approval.

As always, I was in desperate need of the NOD; for people to say that I have done the right thing, for reassurance and acknowledgement.

That is the agony of a role model. The NOD triggers the vanity of the self towards praises. In turn, the vanity triggers a deeper reliance on the NOD, without which, the former crushes.

I grew up thriving on the NOD. Little did I know that the NOD is a double-edged sword.

Now that the NOD has released its grip on me, I feel a renewed sense of confidence, from within.

Took this photograph over the weekend as I was walking home along Bishan Park. Friends commented that the picture looks like one taken of overseas.

So who says the moon is always rounded on the other side of the world?

SG is beautiful, the right state of mind is needed to appreciate it.

I’m at the trough of a small online startup that I’m setting up with a friend.

Already encountering many road bumps along the way, but just as the road ahead seems to be a dead end, another road opens.

Despair not and press on. We’ll see how it turns out.

Is the cup half filled or half empty? Today, I’ll say it’s half filled

The heavy afternoon rain went away and brought with it all the humidity, unbearable heat and pollution. The air smells fresh and my world, quaint and relaxed. I’m enjoying every moment of it. Sipping a cup of hot cha while waiting for my friends to arrive. Listening to the light japanese music playing in the background and the quiet moment before the crowd swarms in. The perfect place to be; serenity of the mind disregards the environment.

I have been feeling restless and lazy these days. Unproductive and couldn’t bring myself to do any baking or reading. Finally, I resisted the temptation of being a couch potato, switched off the tv and continued with the reading of The Happiness Project. I found a new direction for the month, write a book about my life.

1000 words per day is my target. In 30 days, I would have written 30000 words. This book will probably be for a small group of privileged audience only.

January was the month of Excitement
February marked the month of Apprehension & Independence
March of Reflection

I accompanied my mum and aunt to their hometown in Malaysia this month. Though I have made umpteen trips there previously, this was one of my most fulfilling trips thus far. Reason being, I brought along a different Me.

While I had never thought deeply about how I intend to spend the six months, I realised that thinking has become a natural part of the journey as I go along. I began with a routine and made many plans but it didn’t take long before I accept that perhaps I was driving myself too hard.

The break was precisely because I’d like to get out of the routine so why was I so eager to rush into another?

On top of that, I had issues that I needed to deal with; Me. I resolved it after I realised that I had been living a life too dependent on people’s perception of me and my sense of self worth was built upon others acceptance. I’ve lost myself along the way; by being what the institutions perceived a good role model should be. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, just that I have forgotten about myself.

Hence, the month of Feb marked a month of Independence and Realisation. I set the following resolution: Don’t rely on others for happiness. Be happy even when you are alone.

Along with that, I went about doing things (the way) that I like, and when I am happy, I started liking what I do. That was simply liberating!

The month of March is underlined by lots of reflection. I’ve come to realise too, that it is too superficial for one to always be happy, at least not for me. Hence, I was no longer pressurised when I wasn’t.

Back to the trip, allow me to share some of my takeaways:

Perfection lies in imperfection
What’s the fuss with perfection?

My heart is so calm I didn’t mind the flies taking a break on my body.

Back doors are added avenues for friendly exchanges not fire escape routes.

My world paused while the birds’ chirping took over. Breathing becomes so light and effortless.

There is no secret in a kampong; eveyone we met along the road seem to know that we just give the interiors a new coat of paint.

I walked pass huge concrete houses, contented and proud of my little wooden abode.

We barely settled down and gifts started pouring in; salted biscuits, jambu fruits and such. Old friends started pouring, they could almost chat the day away.

I have be off the track recently. None of my resolutions met. I’m totally relaxed. Not chasing after any routines. For the past 2 weeks, my accomplishments are nothing concrete; met up with colleagues for exercise, did my usual weekly yoga, went to my grandma’s kampong in Malaysia, met up with my primary schoolmates, spending time with my family, running errands for family and friends, updating my resoure website, etc.

These two weeks have been devoted to relationship-building. I realised I am becoming stronger and more independent now. I am also more willing to help others.

Although there are many places that I wish to go, I somehow could by being myself out of the house. Perhaps laziness has caught up, or I have never been such ‘outgoing’ sort to begin with.

Give myself a pat on my back for the good job thus far; making myself happy.

In my continuous pursuit of happiness, this two weeks I shall devote to Knowledge and Movement.